This is the final part of the series! Parts I & II below.

Part I

Part II

Matthew Kunzers

Matthew Kunzers

3 Years after enlisting in the military, 1864 approached. Tensions between the North and the South rose and very soon, a Civil War was on America’s (as well as Matthew Kunzers’) hands. And Kunzers took it upon himself to discuss with President Abraham Lincoln on how to approach this conflict.

At the time Kunzers was a captain in the United States military, and had some political pull. He also was also really good with the ladies. So he was quickly able to work his way into the White House to talk to Lincoln.

Matthew approached Lincoln and said, “Listen, ‘Ham’, there has been enough standing around going on and it is time to intervene. We need to step in and take care of this Civil War bologna once and for all.”

“Matthew Kunzers you seem like a righteously awesome dude. So I will listen to you. I am going to support the South in this war, just as I believe I should,” said Abraham ‘Ham’ Lincoln.

“What the heck are you thinkin’!” Kunzers exclaimed as he ripped off President Lincoln’s hand, slapped him with it, but then quickly surgically attached it back on, “The Confederates are the bad guys, Ham! The Union is who you should really be supporting!”

Abraham Lincoln agreed.

Abraham Lincoln poses with Kunzers and some guy

Abraham Lincoln poses with Kunzers (right) and some guy (1865)

And with that final note, Kunzers left but as he was walking away into the sunset, Abraham shouted, “Go get ’em Confederates for me, kid!”

The following year, Kunzers was leading troops into a Western Territory when all of the sudden an unbelievably massive pack of bears (seriously there was a lot of bears) armed with spiked brass knuckles and armor approached.  Matthew Kunzers soon found himself along with his troops surrounded. Kunzers knew he was out-numbered. He knew he could fight twelve or thirteen armored bears but five- hundred and three was too many. The only way he could escape was to reason with the bears.

“My dear armored bear friends,” roared Kunzers in bear-talk, “My name is Matthew Kunzers, and I was raised by one of you. I am not your enemy. The Confederacy, however, is. I understand, that I may be an extravagantly beautiful human, and you may not trust me, but please help me.”

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaa!” roared the biggest bear, “Matthew Kunzers. You are my son! I raised you, but lost you in that massive bear fight back in ’36.”

“Yes, when I was two, I lost you along with my entire bear family. I love you bear-dad,” Matthew said as he hugged his bear-dad, “But now you must help me Father, help me fight the Confederates!”

“I will,” said Matthew’s bear-dad, “but after my fight is over I will disappear from your life forever.”

Matthew Kunzers then lead his human/bear army into battle and destroyed the entire Confederate army. THE ENTIRE CONFEDERATE ARMY. After it was all over, Matthew’s bear-dad was gone, and Matthew was promoted to General of the United States Military.

Kunzers declared that he wished to retire from the military two years later, but everyone knew he valiantly served as a hero to all of America. The people called him General America.

General America was getting groceries one day, when he saw a young woman named, Sarah Rogers. He approached her and after a day’s conversation he found that he knew Sarah’s mother (also named Sarah) back from his orphanage days. Unfortunately she said that her mother died in 1862 trying to open a pickle jar.

Matthew Kunzers found himself in love with Sarah and married her the following year in 1868. They started a new life in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Matthew was a celebrity and was sick and tired of it all. On a dark evening he faked his own death and played the rest of his life off as though he and Sarah were Irish immigrants. Matthew then re-named himself Joseph Matthew Rogers because Matthew Kunzers was dead (duh). Forty-eight years later Matthew and Sarah decided to have a child. After somehow getting pregnant, in 1917, 83 year old Matthew Rogers and 66 year old Sarah Rogers gave birth to Steve Rogers.

Matthew Kunzers/Rogers shortly died after Steve was born. And Sarah Rogers died when Steve was just a teen.

Little did Matthew know,  Steve Rogers would become the well known hero, Captain America.

Joseph Matthew Rogers son, Captain America

Joseph Matthew Rogers son, Captain America

And that’s why Matthew Kunzers is a prominent figure in history.

Ok, thanks.

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July 2018
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