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Okay, America… I will give away a prize to the first someone who can beat my record at balancing an apple on their ear for the longest amount of time. The current record stands at 4 minutes and 32.7 seconds. I don’t know what the prize is going to be so look at this picture of an apple for a second.


Find one of these, then find your ear, then you can start.

Okay the prize is a used mouth guard.
Ready! Set… GO!


So I am doing my daily intelligent pondering, America, when I began thinking… Do babies really come from storks?

Because seriously, storks seem really clumsy. Also, carrying a baby in a large square handkerchief, in the storks mouth, hundreds of feet in the air, over long distances? What the hell??? That seems extremely unsafe. I mean, one false move and you have an 7 pound infant falling from the sky.

Honestly, think about it… You’re sitting in your home, eating dinner with your family. Everything is peaceful, and you are about to take a bite of your potato sandwich, when all of the sudden. SHHHWOOOMBANGRATATATA!!!! This freakin’ baby falls through your roof, and its little baby parts are splattered all over your potato sandwich. What makes things worse is that somehow this powerful orchestral song starts playing, and everything is all in slow motion. Then this stray dog comes in and takes your potato sandwich that is covered in baby juices, and runs off down the street and into the sunset with it. So, not only is all of your mother’s fine China broken, but you are traumatized because your delicious potato sandwich slathered with baby is gone (of course a potato sandwich is still good after it gets soaked in baby juices). All because some couple in Kentucky wanted to have a freakin’ baby and some stork just was too clumsy.


It's a bird! It's a plane! No it's Superman! Wait no... It's just a stork and a baby.

It just seems really unlikely that this where babies come from.

America… I wanted to add this section called ready or not. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, so right now I’m just free-ballin’ it. Although, this ready or not could be about…


This kid will poop in your honor student's pockets. (courtesy:

Ready or not America, mullets are on their way back and soon we may have freakin’ mullet revolution on our hands. But don’t worry, we can stop this from ever happening.

I am now proposing my 5 Step De-Mulletizer Plan which will eliminate every mullet in America. If you follow along you can help reduce the mullet population. (Hint: Still free ballin’)

1) Spotting the Mullet

– Spotting a mullet can be difficult, although if you read the following, you should be able to spot a mulleteer from a mile away. A mulleteer usually is wearing the following:

  • A Nasty Tan
  • Hairy Chest
  • A Beer (with a koozie, hiding the cheap-ness of the beer. The koozie usually having a NASCAR number on it)
  • Some Ripped jean shorts
  • A Ripped sleeveless shirt (it is common to see profanity or hunting quotes on it) – Mulleteers also come shirt-free quite often.
  • Bad Tattoos

Is this man wearing pants? We'll never know...

2) Planning Your Strike

– This is the most vital part of the 5 Step De-Mulletizer Plan, next to destroying the actual mullet. Therefore, listen very carefully. First we need to assess the problem with every mullet… That is the mulletail. Some ancient civilizations actually believe that the mulletail controls the person to which it is attached. It slowly eats away at the brain, and increases the enjoyment of watching fast vehicles go in circles. So the front of the mullet is not the problem, it is the back.

Understanding this, we must now know where to cut the mulletail. I drew a diagram below to map out the exact coordinates that would remove the mullet, and turn it into a relatively normal haircut.

(Map created using Microsoft Paint)

Understanding this information allows the Mullet Remover to thoroughly destroy the mulletail.

3) Equipping Yourself

– I wrote a brief list off possible tools that will cut a mullet that are rated from 1-10. 10 being the least effective and 1 being the most.

  • Katana: 1 – being not only a light and stealthy tool, the katana can slice through nearly anything, which comes in handy if the mulleteer puts up a fight.
  • Chainsaw: 2 – once a mulleteer sees you running after them, they turn their backs to escape. A great opportunity to chop off that mulletail.
  • Scissors: 3 – scissors allow a Mullet Remover to swiftly sneak up behind the mulleteer to cut off the mulletail.
  • High-Powered Laser: 4 – this weapon would be super fun to shoot. And it might be able to take down a mullet.
  • A Serrated Knife: 5 – to ensure a mullet gets completely mutilated, extend the length of the knife, and rip and shred at the mullet until it comes free.
  • Table Saw: 6 – if a mulleteer could be put onto the table saw and strapped down, then the mulletail could be effectively measured by comparing the map above to the correct positioning for the cut. However, this maneuver may be difficult.
  • Machine Gun: 7 – mulleteers are attracted to weapons and you may soon be horded by hundreds of them if you were seen with this tool.
  • A Mulleteer’s bones: 8 – (note: this tool may used after accidents with 2, 6, and 7) these bones are thin and fragile, therefore making them an unusable tool to remove a mullet.
  • Your Teeth: 9 – who knows what has been in a mulleteer’s hair… and for how long.
  • A Turtle: 10 – sicking a turtle on a mullet does absolutely nothing.

4) Elimate the party in the back.

– Everyone has heard the saying, “business in the front, party in the back.” Well let’s be honest… There isn’t any partying going on back there, so it’s time to take this sucker down. After equipping yourself and printing out a copy of the hand-drawn map above… Feel free to remove that mullet. You can either go in sneakily, or with a battle-cry screaming, “THIS MULLET MUST BE STOPPED!!!” Just don’t draw too much attention to yourself, or give away any personal information.

5) Assess the Situation

– On some occasions, a De-Mulletization can be traumatizing for the mulleteer. Therefore, I recommend taking with you a juice box, cookie, or a blanket to comfort the person you have just de-mulletized. Otherwise, if the person is fine, just get as far away from the location as possible.

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March 2010
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