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Okay, America… I will give away a prize to the first someone who can beat my record at balancing an apple on their ear for the longest amount of time. The current record stands at 4 minutes and 32.7 seconds. I don’t know what the prize is going to be so look at this picture of an apple for a second.


Find one of these, then find your ear, then you can start.

Okay the prize is a used mouth guard.
Ready! Set… GO!

So I am doing my daily intelligent pondering, America, when I began thinking… Do babies really come from storks?

Because seriously, storks seem really clumsy. Also, carrying a baby in a large square handkerchief, in the storks mouth, hundreds of feet in the air, over long distances? What the hell??? That seems extremely unsafe. I mean, one false move and you have an 7 pound infant falling from the sky.

Honestly, think about it… You’re sitting in your home, eating dinner with your family. Everything is peaceful, and you are about to take a bite of your potato sandwich, when all of the sudden. SHHHWOOOMBANGRATATATA!!!! This freakin’ baby falls through your roof, and its little baby parts are splattered all over your potato sandwich. What makes things worse is that somehow this powerful orchestral song starts playing, and everything is all in slow motion.┬áThen this stray dog comes in and takes your potato sandwich that is covered in baby juices, and runs off down the street and into the sunset with it. So, not only is all of your mother’s fine China broken, but you are traumatized because your delicious potato sandwich slathered with baby is gone (of course a potato sandwich is still good after it gets soaked in baby juices). All because some couple in Kentucky wanted to have a freakin’ baby and some stork just was too clumsy.


It's a bird! It's a plane! No it's Superman! Wait no... It's just a stork and a baby.

It just seems really unlikely that this where babies come from.

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July 2018
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