You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Prominent Figures In History’ category.

This is the final part of the series! Parts I & II below.

Part I

Part II

Matthew Kunzers

Matthew Kunzers

3 Years after enlisting in the military, 1864 approached. Tensions between the North and the South rose and very soon, a Civil War was on America’s (as well as Matthew Kunzers’) hands. And Kunzers took it upon himself to discuss with President Abraham Lincoln on how to approach this conflict.

At the time Kunzers was a captain in the United States military, and had some political pull. He also was also really good with the ladies. So he was quickly able to work his way into the White House to talk to Lincoln.

Matthew approached Lincoln and said, “Listen, ‘Ham’, there has been enough standing around going on and it is time to intervene. We need to step in and take care of this Civil War bologna once and for all.”

“Matthew Kunzers you seem like a righteously awesome dude. So I will listen to you. I am going to support the South in this war, just as I believe I should,” said Abraham ‘Ham’ Lincoln.

“What the heck are you thinkin’!” Kunzers exclaimed as he ripped off President Lincoln’s hand, slapped him with it, but then quickly surgically attached it back on, “The Confederates are the bad guys, Ham! The Union is who you should really be supporting!”

Abraham Lincoln agreed.

Abraham Lincoln poses with Kunzers and some guy

Abraham Lincoln poses with Kunzers (right) and some guy (1865)

And with that final note, Kunzers left but as he was walking away into the sunset, Abraham shouted, “Go get ’em Confederates for me, kid!”

The following year, Kunzers was leading troops into a Western Territory when all of the sudden an unbelievably massive pack of bears (seriously there was a lot of bears) armed with spiked brass knuckles and armor approached.  Matthew Kunzers soon found himself along with his troops surrounded. Kunzers knew he was out-numbered. He knew he could fight twelve or thirteen armored bears but five- hundred and three was too many. The only way he could escape was to reason with the bears.

“My dear armored bear friends,” roared Kunzers in bear-talk, “My name is Matthew Kunzers, and I was raised by one of you. I am not your enemy. The Confederacy, however, is. I understand, that I may be an extravagantly beautiful human, and you may not trust me, but please help me.”

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaa!” roared the biggest bear, “Matthew Kunzers. You are my son! I raised you, but lost you in that massive bear fight back in ’36.”

“Yes, when I was two, I lost you along with my entire bear family. I love you bear-dad,” Matthew said as he hugged his bear-dad, “But now you must help me Father, help me fight the Confederates!”

“I will,” said Matthew’s bear-dad, “but after my fight is over I will disappear from your life forever.”

Matthew Kunzers then lead his human/bear army into battle and destroyed the entire Confederate army. THE ENTIRE CONFEDERATE ARMY. After it was all over, Matthew’s bear-dad was gone, and Matthew was promoted to General of the United States Military.

Kunzers declared that he wished to retire from the military two years later, but everyone knew he valiantly served as a hero to all of America. The people called him General America.

General America was getting groceries one day, when he saw a young woman named, Sarah Rogers. He approached her and after a day’s conversation he found that he knew Sarah’s mother (also named Sarah) back from his orphanage days. Unfortunately she said that her mother died in 1862 trying to open a pickle jar.

Matthew Kunzers found himself in love with Sarah and married her the following year in 1868. They started a new life in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Matthew was a celebrity and was sick and tired of it all. On a dark evening he faked his own death and played the rest of his life off as though he and Sarah were Irish immigrants. Matthew then re-named himself Joseph Matthew Rogers because Matthew Kunzers was dead (duh). Forty-eight years later Matthew and Sarah decided to have a child. After somehow getting pregnant, in 1917, 83 year old Matthew Rogers and 66 year old Sarah Rogers gave birth to Steve Rogers.

Matthew Kunzers/Rogers shortly died after Steve was born. And Sarah Rogers died when Steve was just a teen.

Little did Matthew know,  Steve Rogers would become the well known hero, Captain America.

Joseph Matthew Rogers son, Captain America

Joseph Matthew Rogers son, Captain America

And that’s why Matthew Kunzers is a prominent figure in history.

Advertisements

If you haven’t read the first part of Matthew’s story, click here.

Matthew Kunzers

Matthew Kunzers

Matthew Kunzers made his way to Boston in August, 1850. After arriving, the 17 year old Kunzers had an idea. It was a common idea, one that many people have probably had before him. He said to himself, “I wonder what allows birds to fly. If I could somehow create some type of flying mechanism, it would speed up peoples’ long travels.

So Matthew sat down and began drawing birds. He found that if he could create some kind of object that would portray the wings of the bird, he could achieve success. The following day, he began piecing together objects. Many people saw him at work in the local park and believed he was a mad man.

Matthew Kunzers with Model Flying Machine

Matthew Kunzers Analyzing his Flying Machine Model

“You can’t fly, only birds are meant to do that!” said one man.

Matthew responded with, “Listen up homie, you shut up, ’cause I do whateva I wanna do, foo. Now go say ‘Hi’ to your motha for me.”

After a week’s work, Matthew finished his prototype and was ready to test his great machine.

He was full of joy, and shouted, “After a week’s work, I finished my prototype and am ready to test my great machine!”

Matthew climbed to the top of the biggest hill in Boston, and prepared for his flight. The weather was getting worse as the day progressed, so Matthew decided that the test flight must be attempted immediately. A large, curious crowd quickly gathered to see Matthew take off. Many of the people did not believe that he would be able to accomplish such a feat, but Matthew believed in himself began running towards the edge of the hill, and jumped. The wings pulled Matthew up off the ground and he began to soar. The crowd cheered as Kunzers soared through the air.

On that day, Matthew Kunzers was the first man to ever actually fly (and not fall to his death). And Matthew flew for hours, zipping through the air, with the birds, and the wind in his hair. He truly was enjoying life… Until he got struck by lightning, plummeted over 100 feet, and landed safely in a pond. Poor Matthew had forgotten about the poor weather that had approached quickly.

Matthew Kunzers Prepares for Flying

Kunzers right before his first fly.

When Kunzers climbed out of the pond, he felt weird, energized or something of those sorts. The following day, Matthew decided that his flying days were over, and chose to send all his information to a random person, in a random place in the United States. That man ended up being Hiram Maxim (who later moved to England to “invent” the first flying machine in 1894 and steal Kunzers’ thunder).

After Matthew rid of his flying schematics, he remained in Boston about 10 years to make a living and raise money to travel south to New York and enlist in the military.

To be continued…

Today, America, I want to recognize a Prominent Figure In History. He went by the name of Matthew Kunzers…

Matthew Kunzers (1834-1918)

Matthew Kunzers was born in what would be modern-day Saskatchewan, Canada in 1834. The exact location is unknown, but when Matthew was barely a year old, Walter and Ira Kunzers, Matthew’s parents, crossed the border into America. Within a few weeks both Walter and Ira were killed by a massive pack of bears. A second before Walter died, he whispered to Matthew, “My son, live for a super long time, and do good stuff. Ahhhh! My intestines are being eating by this bear, I’m being eaten alive. No! No, not my eye balls! I am still alive and being mauled by the bears…………… I’m dead, now.” Matthew never forgot his father’s words (even though he was a baby and couldn’t speak English yet). Soon, the bears found baby Matthew, but instead of tearing his little baby body to pieces, they decided to adopt him as their own.

Matthew grew up just like every boy in the 1800’s. By the time he was 2, he could communicate with most bears in the Northwestern parts of America. In 1838, when Matthew was 4, there was a massive bear fight and Kunzers was separated from his bear family. He began traveling South, wandering aimlessly throughout Midwest America, surviving using his hunting skills that his bear pack had taught him.

Young Matthew Kunzers

Drawing of young Kunzers by the military unit that found him. (1839)

Young Matthew soon reached the Mississippi River, where he was located by a small military unit who were just chilling. The soldiers took him in, and allowed the boy to travel with them. Matthew spent over a year with the unit, learning how to speak English, use their weapons, and a bunch of other military hooplah. The unit and Kunzers bonded well, and when the soldiers finally returned to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1840, Matthew had a was greeted by a warm welcome. The boy liked Philadelphia, it was a nice town full of nice people, and he fit in very well.

By the time Matthew was 15, he made a nice living for himself. Matthew had a great job as an apprentice, and he had a majestic steed which he rode in town everyday. One winter in 1849, Matthew decided to build a home for all the orphan children of Philadelphia. All the orphans could stay in the home but only under one condition; they had to be good citizens. Soon Matthew Kunzer and his fellow orphan friends became known as the “Sunshine Kids” due to their good deeds they did for the society.

But then arose there was a rival gang that arose in the South side of Philadelphia. They were known as the Moonshine Men. The  Moonshine Men were rough, mean fellows (and also in their 30’s). Not only did they produce, drink, and sell moonshine, but they also had a fiery hate for the Sunshine Kids and especially Matthew Kunzers.

One night, Kunzer returned from his job and saw that the Sunshine home was set on fire by the Moonshine Men. Matthew quickly rushed into the burning building and rescued all 247 children in under 5 minutes, setting the world record for most orphans saved from a burning building in under 5 minutes.

A picture drawn by Kunzers. Believed to be the family of bears he was raised by. (1844)

Luckily, not one child was hurt.

Matthew Kunzer decided that the Moonshine Men needed to be stopped before they would hurt anyone else. So he assembled the Sunshine Kids, and plotted the most strategically advanced attack ever created in history. On January 3rd, 1850, Kunzer and the Sunshine Kids attacked and brutally murdered all of the Moonshine Men. The town rejoiced and held a massive party in celebration of the great victory.

The next day, after rebuilding the Sunshine home, Kunzer was packing up to leave when a beautiful girl named Sarah Rogers asked him, “Why are you leaving?”

Matthew responded by saying, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world. So, I am off to make other lives better. I’m heading to Boston, but maybe I’ll see you again sweet cheeks.”

To be continued…

Click to subscribe to The Detric and receive notifications of new posts by email. Well, aren't you a lucky duck.

Join 2 other followers

Calendar

October 2017
M T W T F S S
« Jun    
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031